I have a long-standing relationship with pressure to know things that I absolutely don’t.
I was 19 years old when I was told by a leader I used to look up to that I needed to decide my stance on a controversial religious issue and stick to it.
Yikes.
I was 23 when I was told by another leader from another religious institution that when I didn't understand something, I needed to "submit to the elders" who were enlightened with “truth” (popular opinion) and dismiss my “doubt” (unpopular opinion) by staying safely in the confines of their doctrine.
Yikes.
For a lot of my life, I believed that holding dear to certainties was a good way to live. Even the certainties I was not certain about.
I remember this pressure first emerging as a young teenager in a zealous religious environment where the leaders told me exactly what truth was, and taught me to regurgitate it to any and everyone, be it a woman in another country who never asked for my visit but got it anyway, or an unsuspecting passer by in the hallway of my school. So at 14, I started to believe it was better to know things (or claim to, at least), then it was to have a curious and open mind.
I’ve since left that dualistic view of life (truth/lie, black/white, right/wrong, straight/gay, heaven/hell), and have found so much peace and joy having done so. I have embraced a life of listening, openness, and I have faced the beautiful truth that I don't know much, and that's actually an amazing thing. I am grateful to live in a world more elaborate and wonderful and confusing than my cheap labels can contain.
However, recently this pressure to know stuff I just don’t know reared its ugly head in a new way with social media.
I have this dream of having my music streams one day cover the cost of producing music. The way I have seen this work for other people is using platforms like Instagram to get followers, and those followers hopefully/magically translate to streams, and I can get my 0.003 cents per listen.
The trouble is, I have absolutely no idea how to get people to follow me in either place, and I am 100% faking my way through it. I pretend I am exactly where I’ve wanted to be, because the people absolutely can’t find out that I’m in process! Under no circumstance!!
Recently I was feeling like a total fraud and I was frustrated about the whole thing, and this poem was born.
Today I'm remembering that I don't have to fake it. I don't have to make people think I've got life figured out, and I don't need to convince myself either. Trying something I never have before is not something to be ashamed of. Stepping out to pursue a dream is something to be proud of.
If this resonates with you in any way, know this:
You have permission to be messy.
To make mistakes.
To change your mind.
To move, hate it, then move back.
To try a job and quit a month later.
To take a risk and fail miserably, and then tell the entire world or no one at all.
To care deeply about the world and have no idea how to fix it.
It's enough to do your best to tend to that golden, tender, brilliant soul inside you. If you "mess up", I'm still cheering for you.
Questions to Ponder:
How can I recover wonder in my life?
Are there areas I can show up as a more genuine version of myself?
Where can I ask for help?
Song Recommendation: IDK SH!T by Jordy
xoxo,
Anna