"Fake My Size" is about vulnerability and responding to threats.
In a chapter of my life, I was blindsided by what felt like an intrusion that disrupted my peace, rhythm, and sense of self. This song was my reflection of what happened to my heart during this confusing experience. I put up a strong front during the struggle, but afterward, I realized it was just a way to cope. I wanted to seem stronger than I actually felt, but in truth, I felt vulnerable and deeply afraid.
Inspiration
You'll never guess what brought this realization around in my life...
My best friend and little pug is named Kreature, and he struggles with anxiety. One day someone walked by my house, and Kreature started his panic spiral. My heart absolutely broke for him, because there was nothing I could do to ease his fear, not hold him, not talk softly to him, not offer him treats or a w-a-l-k.
Kreature was talking a REAL big game about all he was going to do to that audacious walker, when everyone, especially him, knows he's barely capable of eating his food without blocking his windpipes (no offense, Kreech), and doesn't quite have the jawline for an effective bite on even the smallest of creatures (google pug skull for more). In order for Kreature to feel safe in the world when he faces threats, he needs to convince himself he is big enough to handle it. It is not good or bad, or anything I'm trying to fix in this song, it simply is. He is afraid, and in his mind, he is his only defense.
Then I realized that I was the very same as him.
In my own, human way, I did the exact same thing. I too projected confidence, convincing myself I could navigate challenges and come out stronger for the struggle, when really, I was terrified, confused, and deeply hurt.
The lyric, "they are taking the city" came to me in that moment, and the rest of the song came in a rush.
This song is a story of embracing humanity. Embracing weakness. Accepting that it might make me vulnerable. Accepting that I'm not tough enough to take the worst of hits and be okay, and maybe that's actually okay. Embracing that I need help. Need support. Need love. Need comfort. And that too is a part of my humanity.
Lyrics:
I won't say too much more about the lyrics- it is a visual song and tells the story for itself. I hope that when you listen, you are able to accept the parts of you that you have deemed "weak" or "unacceptable" and begin/continue your journey home to yourself.
Listen on Spotify
Listen on Apple Music
Journal Prompts:
How am I acting/speaking/thinking from a fear based mindset?
How do I hide my vulnerabilities (being a jokester, working too hard, judging others, etc)?
xoxo
Anna