There's just no beating around the bush on this one: it's about the patriarchy.
Like many religions, I was caught up in one that taught messages about how woman belonged in support roles, never leadership (unless it was over something related to children 🙃☠️) Men were the head, woman were somewhere below that. From the time I was 14, I hated these messages. I hated putting limits on people, especially myself. I hated being told what I couldn’t do because it wasn’t my “role” by people who knew next to nothing about what I was capable of (I didn’t even know!) (I still don’t know!!). Nothing in me agreed. Nothing in me saw “holiness” in being treated as a lower level human. To be stuck is perpetual powerlessness just because it served those who had power.
I wanted to live a life without limits.
To feel abundant possibility.
I wanted to be free.
So what did I do?
I raised hell.
In myself.
I internally seethed. All the time. I was being told to “submit” to things that I blatantly disagreed with, and then being told that my disagreement was actually pride. I was confused and I was hurt, and I buried it all so that I could just do what everyone else was happily doing. I suffered this tension mostly alone, with the exception of a couple friends who are still my dearest ones to this day.
Over time, a narrative was taught (I’m still not clear on why, but it was taught nonetheless), and despite my internal resistance, hidden little voices started entering my mind.
I can’t lead.
I am less than a man.
I have limited potential.
I exist for men.
As a daughter raised by a mother who was only empowering and kind and good, this was a massive hit to my worldview. Over the years, I grew more and more sensitive to the subtle ways I was being demeaned as a woman, and over time, pain began a slow eruption inside me.
One day that slow eruption turned into a full blown explosion, and I was finally ready to be done. The culture around me could not dignify me, so I left it. I began dignifying myself.
I am a great leader.
I am a human, equal in value to every other human.
I have limitless potential.
There are no restraints on me, my heart, my body, my dreams.
I won’t lie to you, I love the lyrics of this song. They make me sick with a potency that means my heart is still deeply troubled by them. If I could have a favorite song I’ve ever written (which I obviously don’t…) it would be this one (which it isn’t), so I’d love to walk through the lyrics together.
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Lyrics
Much like what was brewing inside of me for years, there is anger masked as sarcasm and pain masked as irony. The lyrics below are in italics, my short note follows each stanza.
I see the sparkle in your eye
From across the room
I know it when I see it
It’s shining in my eyes too
We’re sitting in the pews, and we, the congregants, are in awe of this man speaking.
Just hear the way he says it
Just feel the way he moves you
They say he has no equal
Avoid hullabaloo
“no equal?” well he’s good, but I don’t know about that… Maybe I could be that good if they’d just let me try… but anyway. Don’t raise a ruckus.
He commands respect
She doesn’t complain
In this foreign place
His world, so safe, so safe
He’s a powerful SOB, and she’s quiet and submissive. This is what capital H “He” intended for our safety…it’s a scary world after all, and order keeps us safe.
Much better thing to know, Dear
When ceilings split in two
Please gather all the men, Dear
Repair the crypt anew
"Oh the sweet little thing, she’s trying to outgrow the confines of silent submission, let’s put her in her place, boys."
He’s sprawled across his throne now
The wood in which he’s hewn
Oh that once rugged cross
Recast with splendid hue
He has remade that wooden symbol into something that elevates himself.
He can run the world, but
She makes a mean pie
In this ordered place
His way, so safe, so safe
Powerful SOB again and the good little wife being a good little wife.
I think this is the part where
I lean to kiss your shoes
But suddenly I can’t, no no no
Remember why it’s you not me
"Wait I’m sorry… what’s so special about you that you rule over others again?"
I think that I’ll be going now
Overturn this revue
My face now towards the sunlight
I see I’m black and blue
I’m leaving, and I hurt everywhere.
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A Note On Healing
I believe there is a place in this world for anger. It is a compass, or a trail that leads us to goodness and away from injustice & wrongdoing. But there comes a time when it is no longer needed, and if kept around, will only make us resentful and hard-hearted. We'll become skeptical of all people. We'll become numb to joy and blind to beauty. To acknowledge that the people who hurt us were likely doing their best, and operating out of fear and pain and probably weren't trying to be malicious, might just set us free to forgive them and heal.
To look at it another way, the people who hurt us don't deserve any more of a hold on our hearts and minds. So while nothing gets me as fired up as spiritual abuse does, I have drawn a line in the sand and said, they no longer get power over me. Starting with my peace, joy, contentment, and hope. It no longer belongs to them, it belongs to me.
Journal Prompts:
Am I conforming to something my heart resists? Why?
Who am I letting take my joy and peace?
It was a heavy one, friends! Thanks for keeping it real,
xoxo
Anna